Finding Gratitude

Imagine that feeling of when someone sneaks up behind you & knocks the back of your knees, causing you to collapse.There’s that sudden drop in your body & you have quickly catch yourself.

That’s my analogy on how I feel when I pass out. Instead of a drop from my legs it’s a drop from my head.

Instead of catching myself, my entire body collapses into a huge pile of useless muscle. Without a warning my head drops & I have no control on where I land.

I’m never sure how long I’m unconscious for, I can usually hear people scrambling to come & find me.

Sometimes when I pass out I have just enough time to alert my husband, a friend or a co-worker before I drop.

It’s a terrifying feeling of no control when you slip into complete darkness & you wake up to people surrounding you.

You can literally feel their concerns & their worries, which usually puts me into some sort of emotional wreck of embarrassment.

At the beginning of June I was walking across my living room when all of a sudden the ground was coming towards my face. I came to consciousness to see my husband looking down at me a little confused. I tried to laugh it off with him, recalling on how I had passed out a lot when I was younger, even having a few seizures. It wasn’t until the next day at work, my body was still tense & my headache from yesterdays fall hadn’t gone away. Then without warning my head dropped & smacked my desk alerting my surrounding co-workers. Needless to say I went home.

In the course of the month of June I had a total of ten blackouts. With countless hours at the doctors, being hooked to multiple machines, monitors, several blood draws, IVs, CT Scans, there doesn’t seem to be a clear answer or a simple fix. Results seem to lead to my heart, where they found the right side of my heart enlarged, an irregular heartbeat & a prolapsed valve. We are patiently waiting, as there are more doctor appointments to go to and more tests to be taken. Answers just seem to be unknown.

I find myself going through phases of frustration, grief & just plainly feeling sorry for myself.

When I was put on a 24-hour heart monitor I looked like I had a bomb taped to my chest, with all the wires coming out of me I just stood in my bathroom & cried.

My patience seems to be is tested everyday when I can’t seem to do the laundry, wash dishes or even make the bed.

When summer is the time to be outside & to enjoy the sun but all I can do is sit in the shade because my body easily over-heats. Mad because if I’m too cold my body seems to shut down & I have no control over it. Frustrated because I have to regulate how much I eat because eating too much sends me almost into a literal coma. I just keep finding more and more things I can’t do because of pure exhaustion.

 If I had the energy scream I think I would, I can feel my body screaming inside of me out of frustration.

With every blackout my body seems to get worse and worse.

It’s been over a month.

I’ve gone through stages of complete dizziness & exhaustion to not being able to breathe, extreme headaches to the worst back pain I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve been advised not to drive since I don’t have any sign of when I could pass out.

I just want to go back to practicing yoga without the lightheaded feelings or  to go on a long run to clear my head. But I physically can’t. It’s a constant battle of disappointment in my brain when I have every desire to have my body function but it won’t.

When people ask me how I’m doing all I can really say is fine. I don’t want other people to worry & I don’t want to worry myself. I try to stay positive by finding quotes to read.

You are braver than you believe & stronger than you think

If it doesn’t challenge you, it won’t change you

Inhale the future, exhale the past

Broken crayons still color

This too shall pass

 As many frustrations that I have had the same amount in gratitude over-whelms me.

I feel so blessed by my sweet husband who does everything he possibly can to get my mind off the exhaustion & who has simply holds me when the frustration turns to sadness.

My parents, who listen to hours of venting, making doctors’ appointments & check up on me constantly throughout the day.

Sincere appreciation goes to my manager who is so understanding of my situation, especially when I have leave early to sudden doctor appointments.

Also to my co-workers who are also my friends, who are kind, supportive, & help me throughout the day.

My friends who have called me & gone out of their way to make things easier for me, I feel so lucky to have such amazing people in my life.

I’m extremely grateful for the amount of time doctors have put in to see me & how I know they are trying their best to find out what’s wrong.

I find myself overly thankful for the moments that I’m feeling slightly better.

One of those moments happened to be my 23rd birthday. Where I was doing well enough to go on the jet-ski that my husband surprised me with. 

Other times I have been good enough to attend friends’ weddings, my little brother’s graduation & a camping trip with my husband.

I feel all the prayers from my family & my friends who are  and have been watching me this past month.

Even though as of right now everything feels plateaued, through all the love, faith & encouragement, I feel stronger.

 I love all of you.


Alice: How long is forever?

White Rabbit: Sometimes, just one second.





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